First Annual TroutMasters Classic Winners
April 1, 2008, 6:06am AF NewsWire, Pigeon Bluff, TN, Reported by
The winner of the first annual TroutMasters Classic was announced
today in Pigeon Bluff, Tennessee. Randy-Bob Snyder was crowned
trout king after hauling in a hefty limit of bruiser trout and salmon.
Event organizer Elmo Haskins explained how biologists have been
secretly working to develop a strain of salmon and brook trout that
grow to prodigious proportions, have a tremendous leaping ability,
give up the fight quickly and taste great. Earlier attempts
to organize similar events failed, due to the puny size and spunky
nature of wild, native brook trout.
After extensive market research, these "designer" trout
and salmon were developed. Haskins explained, " Them good ol'
boy biologists even made them critters climate-change-friendly."
Reportedly, the new and improved trout and salmon can live in water
up to15 degrees warmer than the original inferior natives. Federal
officials are claiming this obviates the need for further restoration
work on New England rivers.
Fed a steady diet of hormone-laced bass fingerlings, the new trout
and salmon have a flavor similar to farm-raised catfish. Celebrity
chef Emeril Lagasse is authoring a new cookbook featuring the new
strain of trout. Claiming to be an avid fly fisherman, Lagasse said,
"These babies really crank it up a notch! None of that sissy
hatch matching for these babies! Sling out that six-inch deceiver,
let it sink, strip like hell and BAM!! Trout heaven! And they fry-up
real good too!"
Event organizers were happy to disclose that the new and improved
versions of the old stand-by species are predicted to be able to
supplant weaker native species and provide great sport for anglers
throughout the country. Once the new species were unveiled,
a bidding war ensued between ESPN, FOX Sports and NBC for broadcast
rights. The sold out commercials and huge crowds that the event
drew were enough for Trout Unlimited to accept a partnership with
NASCAR. Although officials from both organizations deny it, initiation
of a new NASTROUT circuit is rumored to be ready by next fishing
TroutMaster tournament champ Randy-Bob Snyder hoists his winning
catch. Snyder announced that some of his $1.5 million first prize
would be used as seed-money to rebuild dams on local New Hampshire
|Looking for opportunities to supplement declining license revenues,
the New Hampshire Fish and Game Department will be opening a new Regional
office at the speedway/hatchery in Louden, NH that will oversee stocking
of these new and improved salmonids in local waters. They will also
sell T-shirts, TroutMaster action figures and trout sandwiches to
build up their budget. Governor John Lynch expects toll revenues
from Massachusetts alone to enable widening of I-93 and building of
new hatcheries to accomodate the huge fish that will be raised. Governor
Lynch, responding to a question about why he was now willing to direct
some state funds to Fish and Game, which had never been the case in
the past, said, "We can't afford to be wasting money on restoring
native fish. But these new improved trout represent an investment
in the future. Designer fish are the NEW New Hampshire way."